Do you remember the last time you hit rock bottom? How did it make you feel? Worthless? Insecure? Unloved? Unworthy of any affection?



We millennials have found a variety of ways to express ourselves when we experience downfall. Some of us seek physical affection, empathy, satisfaction from food, and most of all, instant gratification. We get everything we want with a flick of a finger nowadays because the technology permits us to do so. If we want to get over a bad breakup, we binge on RomComs, contact friends through social media, or turn to food for solace which we can have delivered at our doorstep. When we get laid back at work, we use the same social media platform to contact friends to invite them out for a drink. When we don't get what we want in general, we find ways to get it. We should stop making excuses for the things we want to achieve because there's always a way to try to make it happen. We have so many tools for instant gratification that we forget to take a quick breather to soliloquize. Talk to yourself.

No matter how much distractions and friends we talk to, when our subconscious is bothered, it will never work out the way we want it to. We tend to overthink and to forget the bright side of things. It turns us into the most miserable version of ourselves. But it shouldn't be that way for so long. We need to provide an escape for ourselves, a closure if needed; because this time we have to do it alone.

So for your bothered subconscious who's telling you to give up and forsake yourself, repeat after me:

1. I will love like it's my last but will save some for myself

When we fall in love, we become enamored with the idea of sharing part of our soul with another being. So when it's lost, we feel like a part of it becomes missing, misplaced, or worse, stolen. And there's a good chance it's never coming back.

I will love myself and those who deserve it as if my life depended on it. I will allow myself to become so badly enveloped with love and so badly burnt when the hurt arises. I will allow myself to feel the kind of emotions that I have been neglecting myself to feel. I will feel the pain not because it's there, but because I am capable of human emotion. I am not made of steel, plastic, or something inorganic. I am human.

I will cry until my tears form a sea; until I reach the bottom of the deepest ocean filled with the saddest thoughts and memories I will be buried with. When I resurface, the ocean will cease to exist after I perceive the light. When the cold breeze blows through the horizon and tickles my flesh, I will be filled with thoughts of myself and how the future is brighter than the sun. Because I will let it. I will finally let it.



2. I promise not to let my anger speak for myself

I will slay the demons who linger in my head. I will bar the doors and will not allow them to consume me with evil thoughts I never thought I harbored. My mouth will be soldered shut with all the amount of love I have in me. I shall not speak of the atrocities that my subconscious harbors. For once, I will let love win.



3.  I promise to accept admiration in the best possible way 

I promise to accept all types of admiration as long as they are not offensive. I used to be annoyed with the guard at my office's building who always greeted me with "Magandang umaga, Mahal na Soraya" (Good morning, your Highness, Soraya) after learning that my first name meant royalty in Persian. I've realized recently that this wasn't a bad thing. Sure he shouted it at the top of his lungs in front of a throng of other people, but this guy was giving me attention. Even if I got embarassed a little bit, people began to know me. Random people from the elevator knew my name and would oftentimes greet me, too. I had forgotten how happy it made me to be noticed.

I will personally thank you when I find you.



4. I promise to stop saying no to new things

I am a lazy person. Every weekend all I think about is hoarding US TV series episodes to binge watch. When people message me to do stuff outside, my answer is an audible no. Sure I need to rest for a few days after 5 days of working, but what I've realized is that the stress from work has made me shut off my social circle. I have become the grinch without knowing it. So this time, if anything comes up that requires going out and spending a few bucks, I'm all for it. I'll lift my ass off the princess chair in front of my computer and get myself some sunshine.

I will see the world and travel with or without a companion. I will let the adventurer in me breathe.



5. I promise to surround myself with beauty and to breathe out positivity

I will stop talking about the little things that don't matter especially ones that do not require mine nor anyone's attention. No ugly news or bad statement will ruin my day or others' for that matter. Everyone wins.



6. I promise to live boldly and be brave

I will not take shit from the fiercest of all lions (metaphor). I will say anything on my mind at the appropriate time and place.



7. I promise to give myself the love and respect I truly deserve

Among all the people I've hurt, I've given myself the hardest time. I constantly feel guilty and I forsake myself for telling people the harsh truth even if I know deep inside that they deserve it. I won't allow myself to feel miserable because I know deep in my heart that I have friends and family who love and support me. So now, I promise that I will treat myself better the way God had intended me to experience.



8. I promise to take and give chances
As long as they're honest, sincere, and from the heart. I will not shy away. Chances are always limited. If it's a chance that can make me grow better as an adult, I won't hesitate to take or give it.



9. I promise to forgive but not forget
They say forgiveness is the highest form of love and given that it is the most special, it deserves to be received only for those who sincerely ask for it. I will definitely forgive in time but I will not forget. I will learn from my past mistakes and shield myself when necessary. I will not allow myself to be used for selfish intentions.



10. I promise to relive the moment and try again. 
I will allow myself to be lonely for a while. I will look back through all the happiest and the saddest moments, but I will not let them be a reflection of my future. I will go forth with my life and find the ultimate happiness I deserve. I will not let scorned lovers, torn friendships, or crazy corporate mishaps become the reason for my unhappiness. I will not close doors, but open new ones.



I hope your subconscious stops giving you a hard time sleeping, eating, or breathing. You just need to reprogram yourself and realign the course that your new life will take you. As I am going through this journey of healing and fixing everything that's broken, I hope that every millennial in the world who is experiencing any type of problem, easy or hard, will get the chance to reunite with themselves and discover the path to recovery. I wish everyone the best of luck. You are all in my prayers.

Here's a bonus, say this mantra every time you wake up:

You are smart, beautiful, and worth it. Chin up, you marvelous being. The day awaits your glory.

This is the last one. I promise.

Let's be clear here, this post is not about my daddy issues or about any dramatic mishap in my life.




Hello Reader, if you're reading this (if anyone is reading my blog posts at all), I can only guess that you are a product of a broken home as well or you're just curious on what I've written for the week. If you belong to the first of my guesses, I'd like to thank you for taking your time to read this. I appreciate it. I hope that what I have to say will give you more courage to face the world than you already have.

Truth to be told, I've been mulling over what to write this past week. The topics of health, my out-of-college memories, my dilemmas in the office (which I doubt I'll ever get the chance to write about since it wouldn't be professional of me to do so), and health came to mind as I was brainstorming. I cannot stress more on my out-of-college experiences in Manila, and I'm sure as hell not writing about my relationship. It's close to ideal, why elaborate, right? Then, I stumbled on a particular topic that I was never comfortable writing about: my family (or what's left of it).

What you will be reading below is the content I've been working on for the past week in between shifts at work. I've been squeezing these bits of info as I go by my writing job at my regular 8-hour work shift:

It's funny how we learn to do the right things after experiencing something so messed up. When we've hit something on the road, that's when we learn to drive with caution. When we've been scammed pretty badly, we learn about the other types of people there are in the world: the ones who try their best not to hurt you and those who think only of themselves.

As you read through this post, I will not disclose as to why and how it ended. I can only elaborate the tiny little earthquakes it had caused afterwards and the lessons me and some of the people afflicted with the same reality have learned:



1. Relationships are hard work
We've all heard of this before.



2. We can't have two conflicting things in one lifetime
You can't put a mongoose and a king cobra inside a box and expect them to enjoy tea.

Yes, dear

3. We know that marriage can sometimes feel like a business agreement
I haven't been married before, but seeing may parents', the vicious cycle has been gaining friends, losing friends, and gaining enemies altogether.



4. We learn to think things through before we jump right into situations
YOLO is another term for "I make bad decisions and like to wallow in it".



5. We tend to be attracted to the people who resemble the characteristics of the parent who neglected us
Through the past years, I've discovered that I like men whom are chubby combined with a wicked sense of humor. Familiar? Very.



6. Distractions are golden
Bad day? Books.



7. Attention and adoration are the icings to our cake
The people in my family talk non-stop, especially my grandmother who gives me all the attention (even the unwanted ones) that I can possibly hope for. Maybe I should move back to grandma's?




8. Paranoia feels like the air we breathe
Paranoia feels like the snotty fictional roommate who acts like your mother and breathes down your neck more than your mother does, asking you where you've been, what you've eaten for the whole day, and who that boy with you was.



9. Our trust issues are handy at most times
You (I'm excluding myself off this) are one of the lucky pickpocket virgins. Score!

Maybe that one time

10. We know how to let go without having too much regrets
But it was on saaaaleeeee! Maybe this reflects on you?



11. We know which demographic is interested in hearing our dilemmas
Old people, in general.



12. You're probably at the top of the class
I'm not, but I know some people who were.



13. We know how to plan ahead
In high school, it was books before boys. Today, it's career before life-changing decisions.




14. We know that our expectations can break us
I'm mostly not overly romantic since that time I've stopped expecting anything from others. The plan was me not expecting anything and him doing the same, then I realized I didn't have the ability to control minds.




15. We know when to give and accept promises
We make it a point not to promise anything we doubt we'll be able to do. Or is that just me?



16. We know that some people can't let go of their childhood
Personality and toy collection-wise, I lose in this department.




17. We have mastered the art of not letting people's shit get to us
Your favorite blend wasn't available today and you want to let off steam on me? Not your lucky day, ma'am. I'm not taking requests.



18. We know how to channel anger properly
Please refer to #6.



19. We know how to raise parents 
Because we've basically put up with the constant whining of each party and we know by heart which medicine they're sick of.



20. You know how to accept rejection better
Guy: I'm sorry. We just don't seem good for each other.
Me: You're probably right. This can't be more worse than that time I asked for child support for myself. Wanna get ice cream?




21. We've learned to be grateful for the things that stay constant in our lives
A roof over my head, a nice paying job, money on my bank account that can sustain me and my quirks, relatives who actually care, this isn't so bad.



22. We learn to be more sensitive of others
We don't just cringe when people cry, we sympathize and try to solve their problems that don't sum up to a quarter of ours. See #20.



23. We have this bitterness over insanely-privileged classmates who act like they don't need the education.
So, this fictional guy in high school had a nice family, a charming home, plenty of cars, and what does he do? His grades went rotten and he got into fights. I don't know his life's story, but there definitely is no reason for anyone to go berserk when their lifestyle is posh AF.



24. We know how to control/slay our demons
I've once had to deal with anger issues. Books saved me. Please refer to #6.



25. We know who our true friends are.
It's like sorting laundry. The ones who call you only when they need something are in the colored pile, while the ones who call you up for no reason at all/check up on you go into the white, untarnished pile.



26. We've grown more mature faster than the people in our age bracket
While they were YOLO-ing, we were discovering our inner woman in Austen's prized works. Kudos to the classics!

On guard, cockroach!

27. We know how to take care of ourselves
Not only do we know how to cook, do laundry, and find clothes that suit us. We can also get into any company which we deem worthy for our skills and can provide us with the compensation enough for us to live independently.



28. We know how to guard ourselves emotionally
We know how to get out of awkward situations and how to turn down people the nicest way possible.
This is a skill not many people have.

Even Hawkeye is loving it.

29. We laugh at the littlest problems we have
Because why not?

I'll just leave this right here

30. The most important of all, we know that with the trustworthy connections and the right amount of effort, our future will be much better than our past
No explanation needed. And my fingers are sore already.


I hope my brainstorming has paid off. If you laughed, thank you! If you got disappointed about anything on the list, my apologies.

During the hardest moments of my experience, no one has ever told me that it will get this good once I'm done with college and living/paying for myself. So to anyone experiencing the hardships revolving around a family that's about to be broken, please love yourself and think things through. In a few years you'll be able to live by yourself (or with friends), spending the hard-earned money that you so deserve, and living every day without worrying about the stability of anything in your life.

Reading through this, you'll probably figure me for a Walking Dead fan (which I definitely am, by the way). As much as I'd like to run for the hills during a weekend marathon of TWD episodes, I wouldn't want to. Funny thing is, even with the intense fandom, I still get nightmares about it on any night during the weekday. To let off steam, I figured I should probably channel the fear in a humorous way as possible.

My nightmares from watching TWD has given me a picture of myself fending off walkers with a single stainless steel fork and an old wooden bench inside a McDonald's branch. The situation looked even more pathetic with my sister with me, holding a bread knife as a weapon. I can remember telling her, "I read your diary 6 years ago. Your spelling sucks. We're going to die now.". They say you can control the outcome of your own nightmares, but heck, that never came to mind. Controlling the situation using the power of my subconscious was too far-fetched as I struggle to keep more than 30 walkers at bay.

I have embraced the reality that I could never survive a zombie apocalypse, given my lack of survival skills and my hefty Stay Puft Marshmallow Man physique. After all, I'd rather be buried six feet down the dirt than walk through the earth looking like something badly in need of stitching and a dozen showers.

I've come up with a list that most of us would probably miss during an apocalypse. Hope it makes sense though (because it honestly does, to me):



1. Companionship
If it weren't for my sister joining me in the nightmare, I would have dreamt Michonne were with me (and my choice of weapon, the ever-helpful fork)

2. Fastfood
Who doesn't (living) love the smell of a Big Mac™?

3. Buffets
Let's just put it right here. No explanation needed. (There's no photo because I know you've been there, done that)


4. Romance
No one has time for hearts and flowers.


5. Showers
Not this way, though.

"You've been in there for 3 hours!"

6. Privacy
You can't shout "Leave me alone" and expect to get it in an instant. There's always this one herd of zombies that are out to get you for every 10 minutes of an episode.

Right you are, Daryl.

7. A good conversation
If PMS were an accent, every survivor would be considered a woman now.

8. A good night's sleep
Sleeping in on a weekend is a luxury.

"Who hid my twinkies?"

9. Being a tad bit ladylike
Remember that lady you used to really, really like?
Well, she's dead now. But I have a gun. Wanna touch it?

Lift it, Swayze!

10. The dance class you signed up for with that cute instructor 
Not my guilty pleasure.

Grandpa had always been a believer of life after death

11. People staying dead.
Everyone keeps re-spawning like Zeus' attention-forsaken kids. It's getting old.

12. PIZZA.
Hey Rick, do you know where I can get one of those walker bites? Expired dog food is just not working out for me at the moment.


13. Going to your 8-hour shift at work and catering to your personal lifestyle
We'll live like pigs now because it's the most appropriate lifestyle. And you'll miss Gary the maintenance guy, who eats human guts for food now, by the way.

"Look Ma, no hands!"

14. A peaceful drive.

15. First world problems
All the problems you've had before from an hour-long traffic to a book report you forgot to do last night is just as meaningless as that shapeless skirt you bought for a few more bucks you were willing to spend on one article of clothing.

"Wa-taaaaaah.." - Bad Lip Reading

16. Water
You're starting to miss that bottle of water you left in the theater because it "doesn't match your outfit". Yeah, that's me.

"I thought you said I could shoot anyone?"

17. Kids being cute 24/7
Kids have had a say in the weapons department since the beginning of the outbreak.

"OH MY GOD, can I get your autograph? And a finger, too. If you'll be so kind."

18. Attention that you actually like/appreciate

19. You can't dress to impress anymore or do your laundry
No one can pass off "human in need of shower" as a new scent.


20. Scaredy cats
Shouting "Zombies!" and then hiding is considered immature now. The guy who panics in these types of situations are the ones most likely to be eaten alive first. Your choice.


21. Doing everything with your smart phone
Let's face it, you spent more time playing with your phone than thinking this could actually happen. (I don't think and hope this won't happen at all)

"Two weeks 'til the expiration date? You dog!"

22. A decent meal
Except if you're vegan, of course.

No surprises here

23. Accidentally stepping on fresh dog feces in the morning
Let's face it, there might even be no more dogs alive, the reason why we ate that can of "beef stew" last night.


24. Ice cream
Frankly because they've either gone expired or have become a slosh of unrecognizable cream and water


25. A hand to hold
That does not scratch or bite back.

Phew! This has got to be the longest post I've ever made in my entire life!
Credits to all the owners of these wonderful GIFs that I carelessly saved and posted.

'Till next week! I've got more catching up to do with Friends. Can you believe I'm still on Season 4?